THis is the solution to the impass over the wall that has shut down our government!

Thousands of Mimes!

Thousands of Mimes!

Costs will be highest at the start

Costs will be highest at the start

 
 

A Solution to the Present Impasse on Border Security

By Adam Zahler M.F.A. and Amy Bernstein, M.Ed

 

 The government of what is arguably still the most powerful country in the world is partially shut down because its elected president cannot come to an agreement with his opponents over the allocation of funds to build a wall along the US border. The president says, “I must have my wall,” the Democrats say “A wall is immoral. There will be no wall.” We, with our extended expertise and experience, see a simple solution to this problem. We are highly qualified professionals, with 78 years of theater experience and 48 years of educational experience between us. We have crafted a simple and elegant plan to solve this problem, a plan that will not only make the country’s border safer, but will also save millions of dollars, and give employment to many who need it.

We’re proposing a wall of Mimes. Mimes. Anyone who has seen Marcel Marceau perform knows that Mimes can create serious walls! The President gets his wall, and the Democrats get no wall. Everyone is happy because it is a virtual wall!.

Mimes employ their whole bodies, and especially their hands to make their walls.  They can make this one as high as the President wants, and as low as the Democrats want.  It can be as solid as The President wants, as porous as the Democrats want and made out of whatever material each side wants all at the same time,

The effectiveness of the wall would be unquestionable.  As we all know, there are two basic responses to the mime on the street.  Most people cross the street to get as far away as possible.  There are those few who gather to watch the mime perform. In other words, people are either repulsed or attracted to the mime.  Those would-be immigrants who are repulsed will turn back; those who are attracted can easily be located by border patrol while they are entranced by the mime’s artistry.

Now we know you’re thinking, “One Mime cannot cover all 1279 miles of unprotected border between our country and Mexico.” Of course, you’re right. According to our calculations, we will need eleven Mimes to cover every mile…remember that they can and should be in constant movement along their section to maintain “The Wall,” in top form.  Therefore, in order to secure the entire southern border, we will need 14,069 Mimes. No one, not even a Mime should be made to work day and night if we are to remain within current labor law.  Eight hour shifts, (with fair breaks, and no going off to mime smoking cigarettes, we want healthy employees, and we cannot afford to cover medical costs for those who won’t take care of themselves,) would mean that three shifts will be necessary to continuously maintain “The Wall” for each 24-hour period.   

The highest costs will be incurred in the first year because of training, administrative, and overhead. But still, it can be accomplished for just over $2 billion. Costs will plummet after that. The work can go on for years before it touches the cost of a real wall.

42,207 Mimes will need to be trained and deployed.

Imagine three large centers each engaged in a massive Mime training enterprise. Thousands of Mimes, in unison miming a wall, walking against the wind to get to the wall, pulling a rope, happy/sad-sad/happy, etc.

(Exact details of the financial costs, training methods, human resource considerations, and administrative methods, can be found in our forthcoming article, Border Security and the Willing Suspension of Disbelief, published in the February issue of Journal Mime.)

Picture it, over 14,000 Mimes, all practicing together in perfect harmony and complete silence. We will select them for their strength and resilience, since a lot of this area is desert, no bathrooms or cafes in sight, etc. Although Mimes are traditionally thin and gender neutral, we will be an equal opportunity employer.

If candidates can be silent for the three weeks of training, communicate what they need without words, and survive the climate of the Southwest, then, and only then, will they become proud members of the first United States Customs and Immigration Mime Force.